I wish I had recorded the conversation I was having with myself on the drive home tonight. There was good stuff there. The kind of stuff that only shows up when the noise dies down and you are left alone with your thoughts and the hum of the road.
So instead I made food and sat down to write.
It kept looping in my head.
It’s okay, Kenny. You’re better than that.
I do not even know which coach said it. Might have been Kevin Hart. Might have been Diary of a CEO. Doesn’t matter. The line stuck.
I have been working on a ten. I made the decision. Committed to it. And before I even get into tonight, the Golden Cox Awards are going phenomenal. I have not talked to a ton of clubs yet, but the ones I have talked to are interested in being partner clubs. That alone tells me everything I need to know.
This thing is a home run. The pieces are already there. The cart is on the train. I just have to drive. I do not know if I can sell out a 1500 seat venue, but I think I can. Maybe even multiple shows. Saturday night in St. Louis does not have that many options, and comedy travels well.
Now to the night.
I did not anticipate what happened tonight at all. I did okay. That is the honest assessment. I did the job. I did not crush. I did not fail. I did okay. And that is somehow harder for me to sit with than bombing.
Here is the conclusion I came to almost immediately.
I have to stop studying that language book so aggressively. The one that treats language as a cognitive hazard. The idea that language behaves like a virus or a parasite inside humanity. It is not wrong. But it is also not something humans should sit with too deeply while trying to host a show and remember people’s names.
I went too far with it.
I have always struggled with labels and endings, but tonight basic names were harder than usual. Not because I was high. Because I have been practicing not naming things when I see them. Letting impressions exist without labeling them. It is fascinating work. And it completely screwed me tonight.
I need to rethink how I study that part of language. I may need to let an internal dialogue run instead of trying to suppress it. Living without it was interesting. Not effective on stage.
One thing I know for sure is that I take names seriously. Before I say someone’s name out loud, I have probably said it a thousand times in my head. Different pronunciations. Different rhythms. If I am not confident, I am going to mess it up.
And here is the thing. If I mess up your name and you do not correct me, I might call you the wrong name forever. That is not me being an asshole. That is you not correcting me. We are allowed to be wrong. We are allowed to correct people when they are wrong.
Anyway.
I hosted. I did okay. I stumbled a bit. Nothing fell apart. But this should be my wheelhouse, and tonight it was just fine. That frustrates me.
It is an emotional time for me. I am working hard to stay calm, stay positive, keep momentum, and take calculated risks where I know I am capable. And honestly, I am doing all of that.
The Golden Cox Awards have me fired up. That project is mine. Fully. I was talking with an old partner today about UI and user experience. Not my strongest skill set. I am more of a functionality guy. But we were reminiscing about the old days and what this project really is.
Online qualifiers. Public voting. Giving people a shot who never get one. That is my lane.
The last two times I worked on projects like this I got myself into trouble. The first one was flashmyrack.com. I was young, learning to code, and I wanted to build a website where girls uploaded pictures of their boobs to me and other people rated them. I thought it was a genius business plan. Seventy five thousand women sent in photos. Then one night my two year old daughter walked through the living room while I was approving submissions and I shut the entire thing down on the spot.
The next one was STL Drunks. Documenting nightlife in St. Louis. It blew up. Too much. We got blamed for inciting drunken chaos and I was politely asked to leave town.
Now I am trying to document comedy. Give underdogs a platform. Let people upload their ten minutes. Let the public vote. Let influencer and celebrity judges weigh in on clear criteria. Everybody gets a shot. All they have to do is put in the work.
That makes me happy.
I am also looking for sponsors so I can hire help and not build everything myself. If you need a program built, an app developed, or something outsourced, reach out. I even have a Kill Tony app idea sitting on the shelf if someone wants to fund it.
And then the self talk kicked in.
You are better than that.
You did not have a bad night.
You had an emotional night.
You showed up.
You did the job.
You said everyone’s name the best you could.
That counts.
Everything is going to be okay.
Good night.
I love you all.
