Oh, fuck me.
This is a rough one.
I’m just going to lay here for a while.
This is definitely going to be a blog post. A Between the Mics post. I’m not posting it now. I’ll post it later. Right now this is just recording to get it out of my head.
This is the first time I’ve had time to breathe since February 27th.
On the 27th I did stand up at Steve’s Hot Dogs. Just a quick set. A time to kill night before flying to Costa Rica.
It was not a big crowd night. Mostly comics. Not a huge comedy night overall.
But it was a good night for me.
I wanted to hang out afterward but I chose not to. I left.
Then Costa Rica.
Perfect travel. Seriously, perfect.
From the moment I left my apartment to the moment I landed in my room was almost exactly ten hours.
Flight went smooth.
Got to the hotel. Stayed the night.
Then Saturday morning they picked us up for the retreat.
What I did not realize was the ride to the retreat was three hours by bus.
But it ended up being fun. Met the guys. Took little naps. Bullshitted. Good ride.
Then we got here.
And this place is gorgeous.
Everything about it.
My room is nice. A little chilly but that is fixable.
The ocean, the mountains, the jungle.
Just beautiful.
The food here is amazing.
For 99.99 percent of the world it is amazing.
For me it is horrible.
It is just not my kind of food. Anyone who knows anything about my life knows that is just part of the weird bullshit that comes with me.
But they are trying to accommodate me which I appreciate.
Another thing that is strange here.
It is this bizarre economy.
Millionaires and billionaires mixed into what is technically a third world country.
You will see mansions next to poverty.
It is surreal.
Saturday we mostly just settled in.
We did a circle session.
Breath work.
Orientation.
Rules for the week.
The day starts at 5 a.m.
And they are serious about that.
This morning started with a small snack.
Then straight to the pool.
And the pool stuff was hard.
I treaded water for five minutes.
I had never even attempted that before.
I did it.
I am not a strong swimmer. I am an okay swimmer.
Honestly that describes most of my life.
I am okay at almost everything.
But one thing I am good at is mimicking body movement.
That helped today.
Also it helps when you are surrounded by people who actually know what they are doing in the water. There were Navy SEALs there and Jeremy Jackson from Baywatch who moves in the water like a damn fish.
So yeah I felt safe.
Confidence goes way up when you know you are not going to drown.
After that we went back to what I am calling the dojo.
Then boxing training.
Terry Bullman led the session.
His style is very different from mine but boxing is in my wheelhouse so it was a lot of fun.
We trained for a couple hours.
I broke a toenail.
Whatever.
Good training.
Then came the breath work.
This is the part I really wanted to talk about tonight.
But before that we walked down to the ocean.
Sunset.
Standing in the water watching the sun touch the ocean.
From inside the ocean.
It was one of those moments where all I could say was
Thank you.
I do not know exactly who or what the Creator is.
But I am grateful.
Grateful to see it.
Grateful to feel it.
Grateful to be part of this system that just ebbs and flows in perfect harmony.
I have been to the ocean a few times in my life.
But tonight I got to play in it.
Really play.
I did that once before with my daughter.
I am grateful for that memory.
I hope she sees the ocean more often.
One of the men here Ernesto was afraid to go underwater.
He overcame a lot today.
Tonight he went into the ocean.
I walked with him.
I am grateful for that moment.
Watching someone face fear and step forward is powerful.
Meanwhile I am terrified of those waves.
They are gigantic.
They could swallow me whole.
You cannot fight them.
You have to give in to them.
JJ explained that today.
Become one with the wave.
Then the breath work.
About 18 and a half minutes.
All mouth breathing.
Big belly.
Big chest.
Different inhale exhale ratios.
It was intense.
Before we started we each got a little token stone.
Mine had a word on it.
I tucked it under my towel.
During the breath work the visuals started.
Normally when I meditate and see visions I follow them.
But the instructions were clear.
Stay in the breath.
So when a beautiful woman appeared in my vision I did not follow her.
I stayed in the breath.
Then I saw a gray mask.
I pushed through it.
Then a double mask.
Pushed through that too.
Once I stopped chasing the visions and just stayed in the breath the masks became easy to pass.
Maybe those are demons.
Maybe they are just my brain.
I do not know.
After the breathing we laid there for twenty minutes.
Just meditating.
And the visuals became incredible.
Constant morphing images.
At one point I saw a modern version of Jesus face.
That annoyed me.
Because I know the image we all think of is not historically accurate.
It is a Western Protestant painting version of Jesus.
The real Jesus probably did not look anything like that.
But still I believe he walked the Earth.
I believe he was a righteous man.
I believe he died on the cross.
I am just not sure I understand what that means.
More images came.
Sharp silhouettes.
Like city skylines.
Edges of buildings and windows.
Then they softened.
Turned into water.
Blue bubbles.
Flowing shapes.
Then jellyfish.
And that is strange.
Because later tonight walking back from the beach there were jellyfish on the sand.
I touched one.
JJ said yeah that is a jellyfish.
And my wife and I have history with jellyfish.
So I do not know what that means either.
But something else happened tonight.
Some things resurfaced.
Things I needed to forgive.
My snake Remy appeared in my thoughts.
What happened to him was horrible.
I apologized to him.
And I forgave my wife for that.
That part still hurts.
But something became clear tonight.
You can love someone
and not trust them.
You can love someone
and not want to be with them.
Both things can be true at the same time.
I am exhausted.
I am going to sleep.
There is probably more to this story.
But I am not getting it out tonight.
Good night.
I love you.
