Something’s off. Not sure what it is, but I’m not feeling the vibe for much of anything at the moment. Everything’s moving forward – businesses all have extreme upside, great conversations happening, filed patents today for ISL that could change everything if we’re right.
For the first time in my entire life, it feels like there’s no risk in what I’m doing. Moving forward one step at a time, making the right decisions.
And it all feels… plain. Flat.
Fell asleep for two and a half hours during my eye treatment today. Guess I needed that.
The Choice
Made a conscious decision tonight: Helium over group. First time I’ve done that.
I’m in a good space about my sobriety. I don’t identify as an alcoholic – I identify very clearly as a sober man. Holding strong with that. Feels good, feels safe. No cravings, no significant triggers. Lingering thoughts way back in my brain occasionally, but no “I want a drink” moments.
So I chose comedy. I’ll go back to group next week. If I ever start having more in-depth cravings, there’s plenty of Zoom meetings I can jump into.
But tonight, I needed stage time more than I needed the meeting.
The Racial Material: Round Two
Did the “not wanting to date white women” bit at Helium. Only had four minutes, so couldn’t do the Joe bit. Had to muscle things around.
On Tuesday at Purple Quarters, I did some very generic cultural differences between Black and white women. Fell flat. The storytelling was good, but those jokes weren’t.
So I thought about it and rewrote a lot of it. Tonight it landed much better. Still some clunkiness, but better.
The Crutch I Didn’t See
Watching the laughs tonight, I realized something: I spent so much time setting up why I was afraid to do this bit. Making sure I was in a safe place to say these jokes. Explaining my intentions, softening the ground, building cushions.
When I actually hit the jokes, people laughed. The humor worked.
I didn’t pussy out on doing the bit. But I still used a crutch.
The Mask Problem
Here’s what I’m realizing: I’m putting on a mask when I do this material. Using crutches to make sure the audience knows I’m a good person before I say anything potentially offensive.
I’m making assumptions about what the audience thinks of me. Then trying to combat those assumptions before they actually know me.
That’s fear disguised as consideration.
The jokes work. Paul confirmed it – when I hit the actual jokes, people laugh. The humor is there. But I’m burying it under layers of “please don’t think I’m racist” setup.
That’s not dignity. That’s cowardice with good PR.
What Dignity Actually Looks Like
When I talk about wanting dignity in comedy – handling race, gender, sex with care – I meant respecting the people the jokes are about. Not making cheap shots. Finding the truth that makes everyone laugh, not just punching down.
But what I’ve been doing is different. I’ve been protecting myself. Making sure everyone knows I’m one of the good ones before I tell the joke.
That’s not the same thing.
Real dignity means trusting the material. Trusting that if the joke is actually funny and actually true, it doesn’t need a safety announcement first.
The laughs told me that. When I hit the actual jokes, people laughed. The humor is there. I’m just burying it under layers of “please don’t think I’m racist” setup.
The Algorithm Experiment
Tried opening with “Fuck the algorithm” tonight. Total fucking failure. Committed to it completely – or thought I did – and it didn’t work.
Now I’m questioning: Did it not work because I didn’t commit all the way? Did it not work because of the room? If I did it right, would it work in any room?
I know “fuck the government” works. I know “fuck your boss” works. I only tried “fuck the algorithm” once.
So the question: If I had said “fuck the government” in that room, would it have worked? If I use “fuck the algorithm” in other rooms, will it work?
I thought government and algorithm were interchangeable. But the algorithm is safer than government.
Both of them kill people though. Maybe that’s the bit – what’s the difference between the algorithm and the government now? We need to define that as humanity.
The Work Ahead
I’m gonna work on the racial material for a while. Massage it into something really fucking good and powerful. It’s a fun bit about the differences in how Black women, white women, and Latin women communicate.
But I’m gonna strip out the safety cushions. The over-explaining. The “let me make sure you know I’m a good person” setup.
The laughs confirmed the jokes are funny. I just need to trust them.
Steve’s Hot Dogs
By the time I got to Steve’s, the show was over. No more comedians up. Had a good time talking with people, then left.
A lot of the regular comics are missing this week. Not sure what’s going on there. Need to snoop around a little bit.
The Flat Feeling
Everything’s good. Businesses moving, patents filed, comedy improving, sobriety solid. No real risk for the first time in my life.
And it feels plain.
I wish some things were different. But I’m super grateful for everything I have and the trajectory I’m on.
My crystal ball is getting clearer on some things that will happen. I’m excited and scared at the same time. That’s always been a good sign – any time I’ve felt this way, there’s been good on the other side.
Maybe the flatness is just what stability feels like when you’re used to chaos. Maybe I’m adjusting to not being in crisis mode.
Or maybe I’m just tired and needed that two-hour nap more than I realized.
The Real Lesson
Tonight taught me something important: I thought I was being brave by doing uncomfortable material. But I was still hiding behind explanations and setup.
Real bravery is trusting the joke. Letting it stand on its own without a safety net of “I’m one of the good ones” disclaimers.
The laughs saw it. Now I see it. Time to drop the crutches and just tell the fucking jokes.
What do you think – when you do risky material, are you protecting the audience or protecting yourself? And how do you know the difference?
