Weird fucking day. Thursday feels like two months ago. Time moves so bizarre sometimes – fast, then slow, then you blink and you’ve lost track of everything.
Three podcasts scheduled at the office. First one was a total disaster – first time I’ve ever told a guest we’re just not publishing it. Second one was good, talked about college readiness. Third one no-showed. Chris and I decided to put some projects on the back burner, keep our powder dry for bigger opportunities.
Came back to the apartment, ate dinner, headed to Purple Quarters.
And did the thing I’ve been chickening out on for weeks.
## The Setup I Kept Avoiding
I’ve had this bit ready – about race and dating, specifically about maybe not wanting to date white women anymore and how that made me feel racist. First time I’ve talked about race publicly outside of a small friend group. Ever.
I told myself I was going to do it. Five or six times over the past few weeks. Got on stage each time and didn’t do it. Pussied out.
Made excuses every single time. Crowd wasn’t right. Timing wasn’t good. Needed to work on it more. All bullshit.
Tonight, I promised myself again. And even walking up to the stage, I tried to talk myself out of it. Gave myself more excuses.
## This Doesn’t Happen to Me
Here’s what’s significant: I don’t normally do this. When I get to bat, I swing. That’s who I am. I don’t stand there looking at strikes.
But this bit? I’ve stood there looking at five or six perfect pitches and let them all go by. That’s not normal for me. That’s fear.
And tonight, I finally fucking swung.
## Dignity in Comedy
When I do comedy that touches on race, gender, sex, any of those topics – I always want to make sure dignity is in play for all people involved. That matters to me. These are jokes, but they’re jokes that need to be handled with care.
I think I did it with dignity tonight. Touched on a tough topic that needs open conversation, but it’s hard to talk about. Got it through.
## The Set
Started with my solid opener that I knew would hit hard. Modified my basic five to give me a minute on the back side to try the new racial material. Some of the jokes landed well. Some kind of didn’t. Some are stinkers that need work.
Closed with the haiku – always a reliable closer I can pull out of the toolbox.
When I talked to people after and told them it was my first time doing that bit, they were shocked. I held it well. That’s a win.
## The Weird Headspace
Here’s the thing – I should be super excited and proud of myself. I overcame a real fear. Got through uncomfortable material. People didn’t even know it was my first time.
But I feel like it’s just a rung on the ladder. Going through the motions. Good set, milestone achieved, but I’m in this weird mind space. Not really in it. Don’t know why.
Lots of stuff going on. Lots of noise. Lots of good things, lots of distractions. Some bad things, but my bad things are for the right reasons – everybody’s growing and healthy. Can’t be upset about that.
## The Grind
This is the part people don’t talk about enough. Sometimes you achieve something significant and you feel… nothing. Or not what you expected to feel.
I had fun tonight. It was a good day. It was a total win. But it feels flat somehow.
And that’s okay. That’s the grind. You show up, you do the scary thing, you keep moving forward even when the victory doesn’t feel like fireworks.
You swing at the pitch even when you’ve let the same pitch go by five times before.
## What I Learned
I need to practice being uncomfortable on stage more. Not just material-wise, but pushing through my own resistance. When I tell myself I’m going to do something, I need to fucking do it.
No more standing at the plate watching strikes go by. No more excuses.
The bit needs work – some jokes landed, some need refining. But I can’t refine what I don’t try. Can’t improve what I’m too scared to attempt.
Tonight I finally swung. That’s the win, even if it doesn’t feel like one yet.
What do you think – have you ever achieved something you’d been avoiding and felt weirdly flat about it? And how do you push through when you keep making excuses not to try?
